You SUCK!
That pretty much sums it up. 2 words. IT SUCKS.
Ya'll want to know why?? I don't think I could write it all in one blog. Heartbreak, lifestyle change, one of my worst fears coming to fruition, changing jobs (both of us), confusion on a level I haven't known since high school, soul searching, confusion, hitting my knees in prayer like I haven't in YEARS .... you get the idea, no need to drag it out. 2015, eeww!
So, I'm going to start with one of my biggest fears and earth shattering heartbreak. This blog, and probably the ones following, will not be in any chronological order, but they will be in order of importance, to me, in 2015.
I guess, in many ways, I have been fortunate. I have been to dozens of funerals, held my husband while he cried, while my mother-in-law cried, while sister's heart was broken at the loss of her dear friend. I, on the other hand, never in my adult hood experienced, real, heart wrenching, kick you in the gut, loss. This year made up for it, in spades! This year, I lost my back up, my backbone, the only person ever to teach me compassion, the person whom I simply adored, and loved with my entire soul.
I lost my Mamaw.
I know, everyone loses a grandparent, everyone loves their grandparents. I am not simply throwing myself a pity party (and oh how I wish I could), but I want to. Heaven knows, I want to. But, she would kick my ass. Tell me life moves on. Tell me to grieve, hurt, cry, and put myself back together, and get on with it.
And that, my friends is the damnedest part of it. I can't. Never, not one time on my life, have I felt like this. The hurt, confusion, heart break. I have heard people use the term, "my world stopped spinning". That doesn't seem appropriate for me in this situation, because e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. stopped moving, my whole world, the axis it was spinning on, and the deep breaths I used to be able to take.
Let's just say it was a culmination. Let's say my family situation is MESSED up. Let's just leave the how,why and nonsense, at that. I will not dilute this post with drama and the ridiculousness, and absolute disrespect that surrounded my Mamaw the months prior to her death. I WON'T. She deserves a hell of alot better.
So, I will say this .My sister and I were able to see her, hug her, talk to her. I was able to give her a hug and a kiss. I told her I loved her. I looked into her eyes and saw that was enough. You see, I spent the better part of my twenties and early thirties taking care of her. I hate calling it that. She never let anyone "take care of her". I spent nights sleeping in her hospital room when she was sick, when she had strokes. I took her to the doctor's appointments, took care of everything medicare related, took care of her prescriptions, coordinated home health care, special equipment she needed to regain independence. We went to flea markets, consignment shops, a Dime store that she loved, Kroger and anywhere else she felt drawn to. That all sounds horrifically self involved. Yuck! I am not asking for sympathy. I would do it all over again. EVERY single thing, I would do over again. It wasn't easy, but I didn't care. she gave me so much more. That woman gave me the entire world.
I did not grow up in a perfect world. It was far from it. But she was adamant that I have a shot, a real chance, to grow up in this world, and chase my stars. She was my friend, my heart, my saving grace. She was the 1st person I called when I found out I got a scholarship to college. I had to walk to a pay phone, because our home phone was cut off, because of non payment. (Yes, I suppose I am that old.) I called her, she cried. I graduated high school, and was so excited about my meager savings account. I managed to scrape enough money into that account, despite paying bills that weren't mine, to pay for my books. The day I graduated high school, she handed me $500. I knew she didn't have $500 to spare, and I refused. You have to know Mamaw, because once she had her mind set on something, there was no changing it. She looked at me put the money in my hand, and told me to "change the world, or at least somebody's world". There was pride on her face, and tears in my eyes. The single person, on this planet who, at that time, understood, ME, who I was, and what I wanted. And good Lord, how I miss her.
She held me when I cried, put my confidence back together when it was shattered, celebrated every single time I called her with good news, and was one of the few people who never, not even one time, doubted me. She was the 1st person I wanted to tell, when I got engaged, but, she already knew ( my husband does have his moments). She was the 1st person I told when I was pregnant, every. single. time. She held me and let me cry, like I was a 12 year old, with both miscarriages .She cried and let me cry until I thought I had nothing left. She looked me straight in the eye, and told me "Don't worry. Nothing worth having comes easy." She told me to keep my faith, hang on, and that she loved me. And that, alone put her in a special category, she loved ME. Real, unconditional love. She was also quick to tell me when I was being a stubborn ass. Those stories are mine, and hers.
If she had been honored, remembered and respected the way she should have, I like to think, maybe, this would have been easier to handle. But, it wasn't. She meant so much more, than the way she was treated, tossed aside. I suppose there will always be some anger there, about that. A hell of alot of anger. There will be no closure for me, no healing. It will remain a huge, gaping, jagged rip in my heart and soul. I have to figure out how to make it a part of me, accept it. I have to see through anger, and remember. Remember her.
So, I guess, my heart will always hurt, I will never take a deep breath the same way, and the world will seem a little darker. I am ok with that, because I know, without a doubt, she is finally, comfortable, and finally for the 1st time in years, enjoying peace. I didn't have the honor of writing her memorial, but if I did, it would go something like this....
In memoriam of Anna Rae Looney,
Loved my everyone who knew her.
When you lose the single most influential person in your
life, there are no words that can describe the pain of your world screeching to
a halt. Or the stabbing, painful shards of glass ripping at the inside of your chest, in that spot where your heart used to be.
So instead, I chose words of hope.
Maw,
Maw,
I hope I can be the person you want me to be. I hope I can
teach my girls half of the lessons you taught me. I hope I can teach them what
it means to be a good person. I hope I can teach them grace, compassion and
dignity, the way you embodied it. I want them to have faith, the way you never hesitated, never doubted it. I hope I can exude faith in my girls, the way
you never doubted me. I hope to have the bond with my girls, that I had with
you. I hope I can raise them to be strong, confident women, by the example you
set. I hope they never forget how to make mud pies, play in the sprinkler, jump
in mud puddles in the rain, play in the creek or walk in the woods. I hope I
can teach them where I came from, because it’s part of who they are. I hope
they call me when they are devastated, or when they experience tremendous joy,
like the million phone calls I made to you. I hope I can teach them to stand up
to injustice, the way you taught me. I hope I can instill the survival
instincts you insisted I have. I can
only hope to one day embody the strength, resilience and feistiness you
exhibited. I hope to make my home
inviting to everyone who enters, because there was never a stranger at your
kitchen table.
I hope to be half the person you are.
I hope you know you are forever loved. I hope you know your legacy will live, every
single day, in all of us. I hope you know you influenced all of us, an entire
generation.
I want to thank you, for the hugs, laughter, understanding, acceptance, and never ending
love that touched everyone you met.
Rest easy. Hug papaw
for us. You are my favorite “Hey Maw!!!”, and forever, my hardest goodbye.
“None knew thee but to love thee”
#Resteasy #finallyatpeace #myheart
#heavenonlyknowshowmuchyouaremissed
#mysavinggrace #reallifehero #ALWAYS
Forever and Always,
Paige Ann
Good Lord, how I miss her, every.single.solitary.day
