Thursday, February 25, 2016

Back to the Basics

It's beyond time for me to get back to the basics. My basics. The part where I actually care about what I like, enjoy, am passionate about, you know, the part about ME.

As previously documented, 2015 was not a very good year for me. It was pretty ridiculous actually. It was a gosh-damn-friggin trap of a year. I can't seem to let it go! Want to know what the result is?? RIDICULOUS amounts of angst, anger and anxiety! Paralyzing amounts of anxiety! Never, not once in my life, have I ever been anxious. Until the day I thought I was reverting back to my pre-teen years, and having a blasted asthma attack. Nope. No asthma attack, just pure ridiculous, chest crushing, breath taking, flippin' anxiety. WTF?! Not ok. Simply put, I friggin' refuse! I know 2015 stunk, but I am not going to allow myself to be a victim! Nope! I have fought against that mentality MY WHOLE DAMN life, and it sure as shit isn't happening now!

Not happening!

SO, I came up with a plan of attack. I'm going to figure this out. I realized, probably a few years too late, that I am really good at the whole self sabotaging thing. Damn! So much for mental toughness. This is one of my biggest weaknesses. After being told for most of your life, you aren't good enough, you start to believe it, despite all those around cheering you on. Well, damn you! I am good enough! I deserve peace. Peace of mind, soul, and spirit. And damn you, I will have it! I have spent a majority of my life taking care of everyone else, now I will take care of myself. I want it! I earned it! I deserve it! I am going to!

Well, I thought I was going to. Damnit, I underestimated how hard it is to get someone else's voice out of my head. Make no mistake, I will figure it out. I have a plan :)  I am going to start with mental and physical fitness. Then I will tackle those life long passions & dreams.

Sunday, September 20, 2015


Dear 2015,


That pretty much sums it up. 2 words. IT SUCKS.

Ya'll want to know why??  I don't think I could write it all in one blog. Heartbreak, lifestyle change, one of my worst fears coming to fruition, changing jobs (both of us), confusion on a level I haven't known since high school, soul searching, confusion, hitting my knees in prayer like I haven't in YEARS .... you get the idea, no need to drag it out. 2015, eeww!

So, I'm going to start with one of my biggest fears and earth shattering heartbreak. This blog, and probably the ones following, will not be in any chronological order, but they will be in order of importance, to me, in 2015.

I guess, in many ways, I have been fortunate. I have been to dozens of funerals, held my husband while he cried, while my mother-in-law cried, while sister's heart was broken at the loss of her dear friend. I, on the other hand, never in my adult hood experienced, real, heart wrenching, kick you in the gut, loss. This year made up for it, in spades! This year, I lost my back up, my backbone, the only person ever to teach me compassion, the person whom I simply adored, and loved with my entire soul.

I lost my Mamaw.

I know, everyone loses a grandparent, everyone loves their grandparents. I am not simply throwing myself a pity party (and oh how I wish I could), but I want to. Heaven knows, I want to. But, she would kick my ass. Tell me life moves on. Tell me to grieve, hurt, cry, and put myself back together, and get on with it.

And that, my friends is the damnedest part of it. I can't. Never, not one time on my life, have I felt like this. The hurt, confusion, heart break. I have heard people use the term, "my world stopped spinning". That doesn't seem appropriate for me in this situation, because e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. stopped moving, my whole world, the axis it was spinning on, and the deep breaths I used to be able to take.

Let's just say it was a culmination. Let's say my family situation is MESSED up. Let's just leave the how,why  and nonsense, at that. I will not dilute this post with drama and the ridiculousness, and absolute disrespect that surrounded my Mamaw the months prior to her death. I WON'T. She deserves a hell of alot better.

So, I will say this .My sister and I were able to see her, hug her, talk to her.  I was able to give her a hug and a kiss. I told her I loved her. I looked into her eyes and saw that was enough. You see, I spent the better part of my twenties and early thirties taking care of her. I hate calling it that. She never let anyone "take care of her". I spent nights sleeping in her hospital room when she was sick, when she had strokes. I took her to the doctor's appointments, took care of everything medicare related, took care of her prescriptions, coordinated home health care, special equipment she needed to regain independence. We went to flea markets, consignment shops, a Dime store that she loved, Kroger and anywhere else she felt drawn to.  That all sounds horrifically self involved. Yuck! I am not asking for sympathy. I would do it all over again. EVERY single thing, I would do over again. It wasn't easy, but I didn't care. she gave me so much more. That woman gave me the entire world.

I did not grow up in a perfect world. It was far from it. But she was adamant that I have a shot, a real chance, to grow up in this world, and chase my stars. She was my friend, my heart, my saving grace. She was the 1st person I called when I found out I got a scholarship to college. I had to walk to a pay phone, because our home phone was cut off, because of non payment. (Yes, I suppose I am that old.) I called her, she cried. I graduated high school, and was so excited about my meager savings account. I managed to scrape enough money into that account, despite paying bills that weren't mine, to pay for my books. The day I graduated high school, she handed me $500. I knew she didn't have $500 to spare, and I refused. You have to know Mamaw, because once she had her mind set on something, there was no changing it. She looked at me put the money in my hand, and told me to "change the world, or at least somebody's world". There was pride on her face, and tears in my eyes. The single person, on this planet who, at that time, understood, ME, who I was, and what I wanted. And good Lord, how I miss her.
She held me when I cried, put my confidence back together when it was shattered, celebrated every single time I called her with good news, and was one of the few people who never, not even one time, doubted me. She was the 1st person I wanted to tell, when I got engaged, but,  she already knew ( my husband does have his moments). She was the 1st person I told when I was pregnant, every. single. time. She held me and let me cry, like I was a 12 year old, with both miscarriages .She cried and let me cry until I thought I had nothing left. She looked me straight in the eye, and told me "Don't worry. Nothing worth having comes easy."  She told me to keep my faith, hang on, and that she loved me. And that, alone put her in a special category, she loved ME. Real, unconditional love. She was also quick to tell me when I was being a stubborn ass. Those stories are mine, and hers.
 If she had been honored, remembered and respected the way she should have, I like to think, maybe, this would have been easier to handle. But, it wasn't. She meant so much more, than the way she was treated, tossed aside. I suppose there will always be some anger there, about that. A hell of alot of anger. There will be no closure for me, no healing. It will remain a huge, gaping, jagged rip in my heart and soul. I have to figure out how to make it a part of me, accept it.  I have to see through anger, and remember. Remember her.
So, I guess, my heart will always hurt, I will never take a deep breath the same way, and the world will seem a little darker. I am ok with that, because I know, without a doubt, she is finally, comfortable, and finally for the 1st time in years, enjoying peace. I didn't have the honor of writing her memorial, but if I did, it would go something like this....

In memoriam of Anna Rae Looney,
Loved my everyone who knew her.

When you lose the single most influential person in your life, there are no words that can describe the pain of your world screeching to a halt. Or the stabbing, painful shards of glass ripping at the inside of  your chest, in that spot where  your heart used to be.

So instead, I chose words of hope.

I hope I can be the person you want me to be. I hope I can teach my girls half of the lessons you taught me. I hope I can teach them what it means to be a good person. I hope I can teach them grace, compassion and dignity, the way you embodied it. I want them to have faith, the way you never hesitated, never doubted it. I hope I can exude faith in my girls, the way you never doubted me. I hope to have the bond with my girls, that I had with you. I hope I can raise them to be strong, confident women, by the example you set. I hope they never forget how to make mud pies, play in the sprinkler, jump in mud puddles in the rain, play in the creek or walk in the woods. I hope I can teach them where I came from, because it’s part of who they are. I hope they call me when they are devastated, or when they experience tremendous joy, like the million phone calls I made to you. I hope I can teach them to stand up to injustice, the way you taught me. I hope I can instill the survival instincts you insisted I have.  I can only hope to one day embody the strength, resilience and feistiness you exhibited.  I hope to make my home inviting to everyone who enters, because there was never a stranger at your kitchen table.
I hope to be half the person you are.
I hope you know you are forever loved.  I hope you know your legacy will live, every single day, in all of us. I hope you know you influenced all of us, an entire generation.
I want to thank you, for the hugs, laughter,  understanding, acceptance, and never ending love that touched everyone you met.
Rest easy.  Hug papaw for us. You are my favorite “Hey Maw!!!”, and forever, my hardest goodbye.
“None knew thee but to love thee”
#Resteasy #finallyatpeace #myheart #heavenonlyknowshowmuchyouaremissed  #mysavinggrace #reallifehero #ALWAYS

Forever and Always,
Paige Ann

Good Lord, how I miss her,

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Brace yourselves!

I'm back!
I neglected this blog for far too long, for so many more reasons than I can explain in one post.


fastforward and pretend this information has been disseminated through the past year.

Audrey started kindergarten. That's right, my sweet girl is roaming the halls of an elementary school, all by herself, apparently very successfully.
Liv is almost 4. As of October 28th, I will have the most strong willed 4 year old on the planet. At least it feels that way. Interesting tidbit...she suffers from every allergic enviornmental factor in our state.
I walked away from a very lucrative career. And it saved my relationships with my family, and more than likely my marriage.

I lost the single most influential, amazing, person in my life this year.

So, in a nutshell, 2015 has been the year of changes for the Moreland family.

I have every intention of updating this blog weekly from this point. For myself, and for healing.

Read if you are interested, but if not, that's ok. One  of the lessons  I have learned this year, is to start doing more things for myself; so now, I write!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Habitual neglect

Has it really been six months since I updated this blog?!? GEEZ! Time flies!!

So much has happened in the past 6 months....

  • Christmas came and went...The girls absolutely had a blast! Audrey started figuring out the whole Santa thing, and they both LOVED getting gifts. I think Olivia loved ripping the paper more than the gifts, but it was fun anyway! Audrey still asks when Christmas is coming back, and why it has to be over. She also LOVES snow! Every time it snowed this year, we had to take her out to play.
  • I am 80% sure we are going to have to do some sort of speech therapy with Olivia. She does say some words very clearly, and she associates words with objects, but she has a hard time overall.
  • Olivia never sits still!! This kid goes full speed, non stop every minute she is awake.
  • Olivia is the epitome of a momma's girl. If she isn't with me, she is walking around the house yelling, "Mooommmmma" I don't mind, but I am trying to make her a little less dependent, so it doesn't turn into a socialization problem for her
  • I am absolutely in awe of how different the personalities of these two are. I mean DIFFERENT! Audrey was a great baby; Olivia required more attention. I never had to tell Audrey "no" repeatedly, she would test her limits, and learn them quickly; Olivia just laughs and tests limits endlessly!!
  • Audrey is currently in the full blown princess phase, (I hope it's just a phase anyway). I don't really mind the princess stuff, I just want to keep it at pretend play, and limit any "princess" attitude, which is proving difficult right now..
So...that is a brief, very brief, snap shot of the last 6 months.
We are nearing Audrey's 3rd birthday, and we have decided to scale back a little on the "party". It was not an easy decision, we have are dealing with alot right now, and  on top of that Audrey is having some type of stress/anxiety issue lately, so we felt it best to keep things simple. She has transitioned to the 3/4 year old room, started having bad dreams, and having drastic emotional reactions to the simplest things. I am not naive enough to think that all  of these things are "real issues", I know some of them are attention grabbers, and limit testing.  I can tell she is just being over the top when I tell her I can't understand her when she acts like a baby, and she immediately changes her actions.
But sometimes I think she really can't process whatever emotion she may be feeling. I called our pediatrician when I realized she was having the bad dreams more frequently. He knows her personality pretty well, so I felt comfortable talking to him about it. Audrey is a great when she kept waking up, I knew something was up.
 His opinion : Her little imagination is running wild, and she is having trouble processing. Basically...she is thinking alot, and having trouble turning her brain off, which translates into kiddie stress.  Poor kid, she inherited that from her momma! Add that to transitioning at daycare, seeing Olivia occupy 70% of my time, and general 3 year old development...She is just having a hard time.. That's the only way to say it.
We have started ignoring the whining & any and all tantrums. We have switched some things up at home, so I spend more one on one time with her, and I have started implementing "big girl time" where we do crafts, art, play, and on occasion paint our toenails or something similar. It seems to be helping, but we still have bad days.

 I love our pediatrician..seriously love him. He took 20 minutes out of his day to personally talk to me about Audrey instead of having a a nurse call me back, because he knows me & he knew how worried I was.

So....anyway, we are cooking out for Audrey's birthday. Of course her family is coming over, I will decorate, there will be cake and balloons, but I just want her to have fun and PLAY!!!! The following weekend is Easter and we always go out of town, so we will be taking cupcakes up there to celebrate with them, so she will still spend time with everyone.

Overall, the girls get along great. Audrey is very compassionate with Olivia. She is constantly trying to teach her something, "no Livi, that 's not buppy, his name is Mickey". She is the 1st to let me know when Olivia is crying or upset. She will get her the sippy cup.When Olivia is tired, Audrey will take her blanket to her, she even tries to teach her the rules. "No Livi, we can't touch that". If they are separated for any reason, Olivia constantly asks for "Audie", and every morning when Audrey walks downstairs, Olivia screams, yes, screams "Audie!!" She adores her big sister and wants to do everything Audrey does.

Current life status : Our "babies" are one and a half, and three. Our nephews are two and a half and six months. Time seriouslly needs to stand still!!  & we will be havina neice in July! That's alot of kiddos running around :)

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Olivia is ONE

 Celebrating turning ONE with all the people who love her most ;)

 Birthday girl!


This kid LOVES her drums and all things music ;)

*Forgotten post*

Ok, so I *may* have neglected this blog a little too much, but our lives are slightly chaotic ;)

Anyway... Our sweet little Olivia will turning ONE on Sunday!! ONE!! As in she has been here with us an entire year, 365 days! What?!?!?! How can that be??  It quite literally seems like I was in the hospital giving birth YESTERDAY! ....but I am digressing..
The plan for this blog started out as a catch up on our life with 2 kids under 2 and a half, but I have had a ridiculously emotional week, dealing with Olivia turning ONE! So let's start there...

Anyone who knows us, knows our kids, especially Olivia, have been plagued with ear infections! Well, not much has changed, except we are on a 2 week stretch with Olivia not having one! ( I am almost afraid to type that sentence!) She is oh, so happy when she is ear infection free, so I am hoping this "stretch" lasts a long time. Our sweet little Lou ( trying to stop using that nickname, but it's so dang hard!) still sleeps with us more often, than not. She has been eating better recently, most likely due to healthy ears, but I will take what I can get! She uses a few words consistently, but not clearly. I am worried that the hearing impairment she suffered from the ear infections is going to have more of a lsting effect than we originally thought, but we will deal with it as we go. She crawls everywhere, pulls up consistently, and stands on her own occassionally, but she isn't walking yet. She LOVES music! She will shake her whole body, and swing her arms like she is dancing whenever music is on. Her favorite toys, are of course musical ones ;) I am the least musically inclined person on the planet, so I am working on how to encourage and develop her love of music. It's going to take some research, but in the mean time her Aunt and Uncle are pretty musically inclined, so we will just take cues from them and our nephew Kayden ;)  (Who, by the way, has a new adaorable little brother, Mykah!)

Olivia will be one in exactly 5 days and it is absolutely! I was horribly sad when Audrey turned one, and two, but for some reason little Olivia's birthday is hurting my heart in a different way! We have NOT taken #3 off the table, nor have we 100% decided there will be a #3, so I think part of the heartbreak is knowing she may really be "the baby." Meaning, she may be the last baby we have, so naturally she will always be my baby. I think there is a little more to it though. Audrey had ear infections , but she never really "needed" me. Most of the time they did not drastically affect her, and after 2 doses of antibiotic she was good to go! That is not the case with Olivia, she  wants her momma when she doesn't feel good, and you can tell she is in pain. I absolutely love and adore both of my girls, do not misunderstand that, but Olivia just needed more from me, and I think that is why turning one, and no longer being a baby is hurting my heart! As I  sit here typing, she is literally standing beside me saying"mommommommommom" and holding her arms up for me to hold her...Seriously this kid is too cute not to pick up and cuddle!!!

To put it quite simply, I am just not ready for my baby to be one!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Our weekend of nothing!

My mind has been constantly running at full speed for what feels like forever!! Livi is constantly (or so it seems) fighting an ear infection. As a result, her sleep pattern is anything but regular. So, add that to chasing a two and a half year old, deciding if I should apply for a promotion, nonsense with my mother (I use the term loosely), and Livi's upcoming pediatric opthomologist appointment, and the grand result is a super stressed, very very tired momma  also fighting off a ragweed attack!!

So, this weekend...we did nothing! I mean absolutely nothing! I took a nap with Livi twice, played outside with Audrey, played with Livi, taught Audrey to use cookie cutters with her playdoh, spent some time with our sweet new nephew, and just took time to breathe. Don't misunderstand me, I cooked and cleaned, picked up toys and did laundry, but only the necessities. I will probably pay for that later in the week, with a double load of household work, but that's ok.

It was nice to turn my brain off, if only for a few hours. Livi popped up with another da*n ear infection this weekend, so it wasn't quite as relaxing as I had hoped, but, that's all part of being a momma ;) I wouldn't trade it for anything!!

It was so nice to just be able to really spend time with the girls ; not while running errands, cleaning the house, or doing other "stuff".  They will be grown before I know it, and I will cherish every moment I can with them! I just hope those moments are plentiful!

We are both so caught up in being good parents. and making sure our girls are taken care of that sometimes we forget about the "Husband/Wife" part.`With two kids so close in age, it leaves very little time for me to spend with the husband. I haven't done a very good job with realizing this until recently. He NEVER complains, but honestly, it's no fun. He understands that I am a momma 1st and our girls need me now, and he is just fantastic with them!  We have several people we trust as babysitters, but we usually use them for "need/have to" situations, which doesn't help us relax or have a date night. It's a sacrifice we are both aware of, but hope it gets easier soon. I am not completely comfortable leaving either of the girls when they are sick or don't feel good, so in essence I put that limit on my self. But as I said, we had 2 kids very close in age, and I don't want to be the mom who "pawns" her kids off. Something will have to give soon though! I miss spending time with Jeremy, so we will figure it out....We always do ;)