#2??

I have been thinking alot lately about #2... Yes, that's right, I have baby fever already! I LOVED being pregnant and would do it again in a heartbeat. If that little voice in my head was not screaming "BE RESPONSIBLE", I would go full steam ahead, but there are things to consider besides my recent obsession with babies.
We have talked about it, at length, and are going to wait at least a year, and reevaluate the situation. If I find myself in a position where I am able to work closer to home, we will evaluate before then. I will be 30 next year, and with our "trouble" and past history, I am not entirely convinced we are meant to "have" #2, but I am ok with that. Maybe it is our "history" that has prepared me for that reality, and I am fine with the struggle that will ensue once again. If it becomes too much of a struggle, we will start the adoption process. That is something we have already decided as well. I desperately want Audrey to have a immediate family that consists of a little brother or sister, and experience that unique bond. As the oldest of 4, I know how rewarding that bond is. She will have a cousin (Mr. Kayden sometime at the end of Sept.) 6 months younger than she is, and I am looking forward to watching them grow together. I can't wait. The next year is going to be AMAZING!!!

On a side note: It's nice to finally be at peace with "the struggle",as I have realized not to let the "struggle" define me. It does not make me less of a person, or a weaker person. It allows me to draw on my experiences, and I like to think "the struggle" gave me a unique perspective and will make me a better parent. I firmly believe I am meant to be a mom, and God has granted me that amazing privilege. If I am meant to be pregnant again, I will be. I have faith in that. If not, that's ok, because pregnant or not, I am someone's mom, and will be again, and hopefully we can come up with a better name than "#2". :)

Back to Reality.....

I can honestly say, this week sucks! Not only did I return to work Monday, I left my precious, precious little girl with strangers at (drum roll please) DAYCARE!
Granted, I am not the only person on the planet who has to use daycare, but that did not make leaving my little girl there any easier. As Jeremy says, "She will be fine, all they have to do is feed her and change her diaper." Intellectually, I understand that, but my heart was not getting the message. Not only did I feel like I was deserting my child, the guilt was ridiculous!! All I could think was " I am leaving my child with strangers, way to win the mother of the year award (sarcasm)." It is getting a little easier each day, but I still call and check on her daily. Ms. Debbie (lead "teacher") probably thinks I am a lunatic, but that's ok. Monday I called her 4 times, but I have reduced my calls to a meager 2 per day. So far, everything has gone really well!!

It is amazing how priorities change. 11 months ago, I would have worked myself into the ground to get another promotion, now I can honestly say, it doesn't matter in the slightest. I have an amazing, wonderful job.... being a mom. I never thought I could be a stay at home mom, because I was a "career woman". HA!! I would LOVE to stay at home and enjoy every day with Audrey. Alas, I did not win the lottery on my birthday, and someone has to pay for a car, college tuition, braces...etc. So needless to say, I drag my very non motivated butt to work daily now, which is getting easier, by the way. I do, however, watch the clock and count the minutes until I come home to my precious little girl.

I must remember to count my blessings, as I was fortunate enough to stay home with Audrey for 2 and a half months. Some are not as fortunate, and have to rely on day care for their child at 6 weeks old.