A few weeks ago, Audrey had the stomach virus.... and it lasted FOREVER. For 2 solid weeks she randomly puked. At first it was obvious the stomach bug had bitten her pretty hard. Then 72 hours later, she yacked again, was fine for 24 hours, then it happened again. We continued this pattern for 2 weeks. Well the last time she was sick, off to the pediatrician we went. At 6pm our pediatrician was listening to the rants of a STRESSED out mama. His answer "sometimes it just happens". (WHAT?!?) Of course he gave a list of "what to watch for"; food allergies, overfeeding, blah, blah, blah.... I left in tears. There was something wrong with MY baby, and I couldn't figure it out. Ok, that's bad enough, but when the pediatrician plays a guessing game with my child's health, the stress levels hit maximum levels.
We got home, bathed her and put her to bed. I then sat on the laptop for 4 hours doing research, yes, I said 4 hours. After all that wasted time, I sat on the couch, and cried. We are not talking about a few tears streaking my make-up, I mean boo-hoo, meltdown cry fest. Of course, Jeremy was looking at me like I was a crazy person. (I admit, I am sometimes). He chalks alot of life up to "Sh*t happens", I however, constantly look for reasons or answers... serious personality flaw of mine. After I explained to him why I was ridiculously upset, he still looked quite puzzled. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my BABY!!! Stress!!!! Why didn't he just understand that?!? I was slightly pissed.... (well, more than slightly ;) )
Then he looked at me and said, "well, maybe you should pray about it then", and promptly went to bed leaving me sitting in the living room. Again, his outlook on life knocked me on my butt.
I sat down on the couch and the phrase "let go and let God", immediately popped into my head.
The point of this blog: I suck at letting go and trusting God. I have been working on it, but quite frankly, I suck at it. I know the need to find answers, or reasons thing happen ,has always been a major personality flaw of mine, but I always chalked it up to my "scientific brain". Well, Jeremy dropped the bullsh*t card on me. I have a living, breathing miracle in my house, that the Doc couldn't explain, and I still feel the need to look for answers..... What a loser!!!
So, here's what I have decided. (Yes, I have been thinking about this for almost a month now.) God makes each one of us unique, we all have our battles to fight, and paths to find. I do have a very scientifically and medically oriented brain, I am ok with that. I figure He programmed me that way for a reason, and I have been able to use my knowledge to help alot of the people I care about. Audrey, as I have said before, is here to teach me as many lessons as I can teach her. Patience, love and compassion are only a few of those lessons. Maybe now I am supposed to learn how to "just let go". It's harder than it sounds, especially for me. So here's what I am trying to do : I will only worry or stress out about things I can control, or affect. Otherwise, it's in His hands, and I will trust him to direct the path I am supposed to take in life. I will trust Him to take care of my family in the way He deems proper, and try my best to just follow where He leads.......I am SERIOUSLY worried I am going to fail this one!!!
Side note: How about that husband of mine?!? "He is a man of few words, but his words create thought."
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