Eureeka!!

Well, it happened! Our baby girl is crawling!! I cannot explain how exciting it was to watch her first "coordinated movements".

Literally, 2 seconds after I walked in the door, I turned around, and there she was....CRAWLING! Of course I went a little nuts, the eyes immediately started watering, and the text messages went out!! As quickly as I sent them, we had a house full of proud grandparents and aunts and uncles! It was awesome!!

Now that she is in bed and I am sitting here blogging, I suddenly feel very bittersweet about the whole thing. I worried and fretted over this kid crawling, now I want her to be little again. I am excited that she can explore her own world now, but I want to swaddle her up and cuddle with her. I am immensely proud of my little girl for figuring it out, but sad that she is growing up so quickly! I guess this plethora of emotions will happen with every "milestone", in a way, just part of being a momma, I suppose.

Suddenly I am too tired to finish this blog.... I will, just not tonight. I need my rest, I have a baby to chase around now ;)

Letting go.... (Maybe)

A few weeks ago, Audrey had the stomach virus.... and it lasted FOREVER. For 2 solid weeks she randomly puked. At first it was obvious the stomach bug had bitten her pretty hard. Then 72 hours later, she yacked again, was fine for 24 hours, then it happened again. We continued this pattern for 2 weeks. Well the last time she was sick, off to the pediatrician we went. At 6pm our pediatrician was listening to the rants of a STRESSED out mama. His answer "sometimes it just happens". (WHAT?!?) Of course he gave a list of "what to watch for"; food allergies, overfeeding, blah, blah, blah.... I left in tears. There was something wrong with MY baby, and I couldn't figure it out. Ok, that's bad enough, but when the pediatrician plays a guessing game with my child's health, the stress levels hit maximum levels.

We got home, bathed her and put her to bed. I then sat on the laptop for 4 hours doing research, yes, I said 4 hours. After all that wasted time, I sat on the couch, and cried. We are not talking about a few tears streaking my make-up, I mean boo-hoo, meltdown cry fest. Of course, Jeremy was looking at me like I was a crazy person. (I admit, I am sometimes). He chalks alot of life up to "Sh*t happens", I however, constantly look for reasons or answers... serious personality flaw of mine. After I explained to him why I was ridiculously upset, he still looked quite puzzled. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my BABY!!! Stress!!!! Why didn't he just understand that?!? I was slightly pissed.... (well, more than slightly ;) )
Then he looked at me and said, "well, maybe you should pray about it then", and promptly went to bed leaving me sitting in the living room. Again, his outlook on life knocked me on my butt.

I sat down on the couch and the phrase "let go and let God", immediately popped into my head.
The point of this blog: I suck at letting go and trusting God. I have been working on it, but quite frankly, I suck at it. I know the need to find answers, or reasons thing happen ,has always been a major personality flaw of mine, but I always chalked it up to my "scientific brain". Well, Jeremy dropped the bullsh*t card on me. I have a living, breathing miracle in my house, that the Doc couldn't explain, and I still feel the need to look for answers..... What a loser!!!

So, here's what I have decided. (Yes, I have been thinking about this for almost a month now.) God makes each one of us unique, we all have our battles to fight, and paths to find. I do have a very scientifically and medically oriented brain, I am ok with that. I figure He programmed me that way for a reason, and I have been able to use my knowledge to help alot of the people I care about. Audrey, as I have said before, is here to teach me as many lessons as I can teach her. Patience, love and compassion are only a few of those lessons. Maybe now I am supposed to learn how to "just let go". It's harder than it sounds, especially for me. So here's what I am trying to do : I will only worry or stress out about things I can control, or affect. Otherwise, it's in His hands, and I will trust him to direct the path I am supposed to take in life. I will trust Him to take care of my family in the way He deems proper, and try my best to just follow where He leads.......I am SERIOUSLY worried I am going to fail this one!!!



Side note: How about that husband of mine?!? "He is a man of few words, but his words create thought."

Turbulent Tuesday

My sweet girl is 8 months old today!!

This morning started off perfectly normal.... I fed and dressed Audrey, played with her for few minutes, pulled my necklace away from her a few times, and told her "no no" as she reached for my glasses. No big deal. As she reached for my glasses again, I started with "no.." and she stuck her finger in my eye. Sounds like no big deal, right??
Well, this kid has bionic fingers. In one fell swoop (or stab) she brought me to my knees. I yelled for Jeremy to come get her, because I was afraid I was going to drop her. Yes, it was that bad. She laughed. I kept telling myself it would be fine, it was just sore. I drove to work with one good eye, and one nasty red, watery eye. It will be fine, it's just sore...at least that's what I told myself. 2 hours later, my eye was almost swollen shut. Well crap! Off to the eye doc I went.
Outcome: "Gouged eye ball" according to the MD. I actually have a small hole 3 layers deep in the center of my cornea. He said most people get a cut on the eye that resembles a paper cut, a nice clean line. Me? I have a "gouge". His guess is that Audrey's fingernail caught just right and dug a small piece out. Nice!!
As I sit here blogging I have a "contact band aid" on my dilated eye, must use eye drops for 2 weeks after the "band aid" comes off, and use ice every 4 hours. Did I mention limiting all paper work to 4 hours a day?? Kind of hard in my line of work!
So.... that's my Tuesday! It's kind of funny.. I know.


P.S. I wanted to document this, so I can one day tell her she literally almost poked my eye out ;)

The scream of frustration..

It's quite ear piercing..... and painful. Audrey still isn't crawling, which the pediatrician assures me is perfectly normal (I was extremely concerned since she seems to do everything else super early), but she is trying her darndest!! She gets up on all fours and rocks back and forth, then she screams! At first it freaked me out, because she NEVER screams or fusses, I mean, NEVER. After about 30 minutes of this new game, it dawned on me..... She's pissed off because she knows what she wants to do, she just can't quite figure it out. (Jeremy says she gets this from me.) I really wish there was something I could do to help her, but alas, the pediatrician says to let her scream for a bit, it teaches her to deal with her emotions. It irked me for a bit, because I don't like to let her cry, but as my husband out it, some things she just has to figure things out. Geez!! I swore I would not be that mom: The one does everything for their kid just so they won't be upset. She does need to do some things herself, so I basically just need to get over it and deal with it. ( Note to self: make that my next mommy project!!)

She can pull herself up and stand for a few seconds, so I asked him if she was going to walk first, and crawl later, he laughed and said, "With this kid, it's entirely possible. She's gonna be an overachiever." Talk about a proud momma!! Woohoo!! I guess all parents are presented with unique situations, but I have a hard time separating the idea of "time line achievements" and individuals. I know she is an individual, and we are lucky enough to see a little more of her personality every day, but I can't seem to stop comparing her to other babies, or being paranoid about her hitting her milestones "on time". Actually, she hit most of them early, so I am going to stop worrying about this one, and trash my "book of time lines". I mean, who decided on this whole timeline thing anyway? According to our pediatrician, most of these time lines are off by 2 to 8 weeks for most children. (Did I mention how much I love our pediatrician??) He likes to speak candidly, which I love, and told us to "chuck the books, and quit worrying about time lines, she's perfect the way she is." Eureka! Of course she is perfect! I have known this since the day she was born... Why am I letting some "timeline" cloud my vision??

Well, no more!!

I am going to start prepping the house for a walking 8 month old!!

Throwing in the towel

Hot flashes suck! The hormone treatments are seriously affecting me at this point. I am giving it up. This decision was not easily or quickly made, but bottom line, it's putting too much of a den t in my life. Hot flashes, mood swings, achiness, and exhaustion. I can't fit all of that into my normal work & mommy schedule. I will not be at 50% for my daughter. That basically sums it up....
We have been talking about giving it up for a few weeks, but I thought I could muster through it. I know it's a shock but, I can be quite stubborn ;) That wonderful husband of mine, put it quite simply, "Life is too short for all this." It never ceases to amaze me that his simple take on life makes complete sense!! We have been talking about it for 2 weeks, and tonight the decision was made. We have been blessed beyond measure, and we know that, so we are leaving #2 in HIS hands. Honestly it wasn't a horribly difficult decision, because I don't feel like I was making the decision for me or Jeremy. We made the decision for Audrey's sake. At this point, all of our time is precious, so I refuse to lose time with my daughter because I am tired or feel bad. I know everyone gets tired and cranky, but I am voluntarily doing this to myself by taking this medication. That was a pretty easy decision. Of all the treatments, and other stuff we tried in the past, I always felt like I had to do it, and persevere. I no longer feel that way, I have my miracle upstairs sleeping as I am typing this.... and well, .... that's pretty awesome!
Don't get me wrong, I definitely and almost desperately want another child. Jeremy feels the same way. But, you know, we left it in HIS hands last time, and I have a beautiful, happy, healthy little girl. That worked out pretty well for us. We are just going to trust that if it is supposed to happen again, He will bless us again. We are going to go ahead and still "try" as of the 1st of the year, and hope have #2 sometime relatively soon. If not, there are plenty of children in this world that need a good home. We would be more than happy to provide that! Our view on babies has not changed, we just may have to be creative in getting Audrey a little brother or sister. It just makes it that much easier knowing that no matter what child, ours or adopted, that we end up with, our family will welcome baby #2 with open arms!!!

On a side note:
Although he would never say so, or admit it, I am pretty sure Jeremy is relieved too. When I say mood swings, I mean MOOD SWINGS ;) It's kind of crazy how you know you are being unreasonable, and are powerless to stop it. I am looking forward to being my old self again!!

Lucky me!

So, I realized I haven't updated my blog nearly enough about my adventures with my little girl. So here's a recap.....

This baby is ALWAYS happy. She is constantly smiling, laughing, clapping her hands, and is a literal ray of sunshine in my life. From the day we brought her home, we have had absolutely no problems. She had a fussy "time" at 7pm every night, that only lasted about 2 weeks. The transition to her own room was a breeze. It only took one night. She put herself on a schedule, with minimal interference from me. We are currently transitioning to a sippy cup, and so far, no problem. The kid even had a stomach virus this weekend, and smiled at me between every puke. She didn't fuss or cry, she just kind of laid around. The only time I get stressed, is when I stress myself out worrying about her. (Crazy right?!?)
I am continually amazed by her. I know how fortunate I am to have such an "easy" baby. Actually, I consider her a blessing. Every night at bedtime, I tell her she is our "little miracle", kiss her and put her in her crib. I honestly feel that she was put in my life to teach me a few lessons. Patience, compassion, love, strength, and tolerance. Those are just a few lessons she has taught me, and she is only 7 months old. I can't help but wonder what else this little girl will teach me in the next few years...
I know every mom thinks their child is special, and every child IS special in their own way, but this kid lights up a room!! (Envoking a momma's right to brag here;) )

U-Turn

Ok, after re-reading some of my previous blogs, I have decided that it has taken a unintentional negative turn. Well, that will stop today. I spend way to much time venting, and going over my random thoughts... For that, I will start a journal. This blog will focus on my sweet baby girl, and life in general from this point on.

Audrey's 1st Halloween

Although she managed to look super cute (if I say so myself), Audrey had a stomach virus all weekend. Hopefully this trend of being sick on holidays will end before Christmas. I had to put her in her costume and snap some pics, and she cooperated beautifully! Details to follow........

Complete Sidebar....

Audrey will be 7 months old tomorrow.... I CANNOT believe it! She is losing the "baby" look, and is beginning to look more like a toddler. She is pulling herself up, babbling, clapping her hands, eating finger foods, and growing WAY to fast. It seems like yesterday I was thanking God for her safe entry into this world, now I pray that He keeps her safe, since we can't keep her still!!!

She is closer to being a year old now, which made me cry today (I am turning into a complete SAP!!) I am afraid I am going to blink, and she will be 13. That's what it feels like, anyway. I can't imagine what a mess I will be when she turns, 1 or 13, or (holding my breath) 16!!!! Everyone said "Enjoy it, she will grow up way too fast!", I thought I took that advice to heart, but I had no idea what "too fast" meant. I do not regret one single, solitary moment of holding her when she was a baby ( and I held her CONSTANTLY), although some criticized it, and told me I was spoiling her. I do not regret cuddling with her EVERY chance I had. I do not regret ANY decision we have made up to this point. I can honestly say I have enjoyed every minute I am lucky enough to have with our little "miracle". I am starting to have a little mommy panic, in that she rarely stays still long enough for me to cuddle with and hold her.... but I guess, such is life! She is exploring the world on her own, in her own little way, and I LOVE watching the expressions on her face when she discovers something new, or accomplishes something new. It is the highlight of my day!

I know all moms feel the heart break of their child's "growing" pains, and I am ok with the fact that she will one day be a wonderfully independent, smart woman......... I just wish it wasn't happening so fast.......

Parental Pledge...

At our most recent visit to our pediatrician, we were told to start setting "disciplinary" guidelines... WHAT?!? Audrey is 6 months old, are you kidding me... Apparently not. So, we implemented the use of "No", and started thinking about our "parenting style". Until now, that style consisted of playing with and simply adoring Audrey every chance we could. We have basically decided that we don't "believe" in parenting in one specific style, instead we want to use a culmination of several styles. Jeremy, very articulately put it as " We don't have one specific style, we just have a pledge to our daughter." Boy, did that make the ol' brain start churning! We have compiled a list of what we call the "Parenting Pledge". Basically its a list of what to do, and what not to do, based on our own childhood experiences, our friends parenting experiences, and those random occasions when you see a horrible example of parenting at, let's say, Kroger.

Parenting Pledge to Audrey:
1. We will have fun and play as often as possible. (You will grow up too fast to pass up an opportunity for us to have fun together.)
2. Boredom is not welcome in our house... We will always find something to do.
3. You will use your manners at all times.
3.5. You may not have Mountain Dew in your sippy cup
4. Dinner will be at the dinner table every night.
4.5. Cheetos do not count as dinner
5. You can get dirty as often as you want. (There's nothing wrong with playing outside in the back yard)
6. You will not have to wear dresses 90% of the time. I have no opposition to pants and jeans.
7. I will not imposed my tomboyishness on you, but I will not frown upon it either.
8. I will not let anyone else impose their will on you. You are your own person, and that should not be stifled.
8.5 You may not go 2 weeks without a bath.
9. I will not mind if you want to go "help" Daddy while he is working on his truck, dirt bike, etc.
10. If you choose the dance/cheer leading route, that is fine. You will have to wait until you are 8 years old to start.... I just don't want it to be too hard on your body. I will be your biggest fan
10.5. Twice a month, you will have a daddy date. You get to pick where you want to go, and what you want to do (within reason) and spend the whole day with your dad. (Hopefully this one lasts long past your teenage years)
10.75. We will protect you from the "real" world as long as possible.

(The rules for teenage years started about this time.... Most of them are Daddy's rules.)
(P.S. I bet he doesn't stick to half of them... You already have him wrapped around your finger)

11. A 3.0 GPA is mandatory. (Momma's exception....if you are trying your hardest, a C is fine)
11.5 . We will have mommy daughter time at least twice a month. (same rules apply as 10.5)
12. No dating until you are 16.
13. No make up until you are 13.
14. You will have a part time job (Momma's exception... If you have a 3.0 and extracurricular activities we will compromise & work out a better solution)
15. You will pay your own car insurance and/or payment (Momma's exception.... see # 14)
16. There will be no boys in the house after 8pm (Can you tell this is daddy's rule?)
17. There will be no "princess" attitude. (Momma's rule)
18. We are going shopping at least every few months, just for fun!
19. You will learn to take care of yourself completely (Laundry, cooking, cleaning, work, etc.) you cannot expect to be taken care of. ( But I will as long as possible)
20. Baby girl, you will be loved every single day!
21. We will give you the knowledge you need to make informed decisions about what ever life throws at you.
22. Once you are exposed to the real world and its harshness, we will help you make good decisions, and trust that you will
23. You will always be loved!!

Honestly, I hope we never have to implement half of these rules. We know you are going to be a wonderful person, and are a little overwhelmed that God trusts us so much to to raise you right.. We just hope we get it right!!!


P.S. This is the 1st Draft. I will update soon, because as we were going over this, several other "issues" came up. Next edition : Religion, and "the early years"

Here we go...

So.... Even though I swore I wouldn't do it until January, I went back to the doctor to talk about #2. I know, I'm crazy! I am just one of those people, who want to be proactive I suppose. The funny thing is, as soon as the doctor walked into the room, he looked at me; winked, and said "I bet you want #2!" He's a mind reader!

We talked and conversated trying to come up with the best "plan of attack" as the doctor called it, and decided to try one more round of medication. I refused several types of treatment that we tried last time, because they make me feel like crap, and I refuse to be at 50% for my daughter. She deserves her mom to be at 100% for her at all times. We finally compromised on one more hormone treatment, and an honest to goodness effort by me to get my blood sugar under control. He basically told me that last time I got pregnant with no medication or treatment was a complete "stroke of luck", or in my terms "complete miracle". So, here we go again. 3 months of hormone treatment, and a strict diet, and maybe, just maybe, #2 sometime next year.


After the last time, and all the struggles we dealt with, it was really hard to come to the decision, that we are going to do it again. Not that we don't want #2, or don't think it is well worth it, for lack of better words, it was just HARD to deal with. But here we are, getting ready to do it again.

I am trying not to get excited, but I refuse to be pessimistic either. I have decided not to be greedy; meaning we already received our miracle, if we are not blessed with another one, I am ok with that. I almost feel guilty asking for another one, not too many people are blessed with one miracle. Who am I to ask for another? I do hope the big Man blesses us with another child, but I have decided I am ok with our family of 3 for now. We decided to "try" for a year, max!! After that we will consider alternatives; adoption, foster care, etc. I just don't want Audrey to ever think she isn't enough because we want another child. We adore that little girl, and will happily spend every day making sure she knows that!! I am trying to take everything for what it is. The "struggle" will NOT define me. Actually, I refuse to let it be a struggle. I will consider myself blessed either way.

Things ( I think) I know...

1. Audrey is growing WAY too fast.
2. Every moment is a "special" moment.
3. Every first, is just as exciting as the one before.
4. Audrey learns something new every, single day.
5. She will a teenager in no time.
6. No one really cares if there are dirty dishes in the sink.
7. No matter what kind of day I have, it ALWAYS gets better at 6.
8. Every one has their own "parenting style". Just because it's not the way I would do things, doesn't make it "wrong". (And vice versa)
9. Loving a child is unlike any other love.
10. It really does take a village (or lots of family) to raise a child.
11. Sometimes you just have to let the little things go, and look at the big picture.
12. Audrey does not like green beans
13. It's kind of crazy how much one little person changes your whole world!! Obviously for the best!

When you know, you know.....

This time 5 years ago (CRAZINESS) I was wrapping up wedding plans, & preparing to marry a pretty amazing man.

Friday, September 17th, Jeremy and I will celebrate our 5 year anniversary (thanks to Nana for babysitting). That sounds absolutely NUTS! It seems like we have only been married 5 minutes, not 5 years. I guess that means I am a VERY lucky and blessed lady! Not only am I lucky enough to come home to my best friend every night, I get to come home to Audrey's dad!

I have dated my fair share of "special" (not the good kind) of guys, and after the last disaster of a relationship, I decided I was done, until I found the "one." I always dated your average "all-american" boy, with dark hair, dark skin, and 6 ft tall. I wasn't quite sure what to think when this little (5'10) blond guy with a few piercings, and his butt hanging out his jeans, asked me out to lunch.... Luckily for me, I went. After that "date", if you count Arby's as a date, I decided he was for me. Those of you who know me, know I ponder and think way too much, but I instantly decided this guy was gonna be mine. Granted I had to wait a few years, as he was dating someone, then I would be "involved" with someone, etc., etc. but I always knew.

I always thought you had to be able to be friends with the person you spend the rest of your life with.... Love is grand and all, but if you aren't friends, love isn't enough.

This guy quickly became one of my best friends. It took him FOREVER to actually ask me out, but he's a slow mover! Ironically, our first date was October Friday the 13th. Several of my friends "warned" me that it was bad "luck", but oh well. I am not the superstitious type, and it paid off.

We overcame obstacles when we were dating, but I think it just prepared us for obstacles in marriage. We got "looks" in public, but I didn't care. It was a little funny to see pictures of us, since he was a "punk skater" type, and I would be in "all american" gear. But, I always blew it off, and giggled at reactions of others. Alot of people seemed to have trouble looking past the outside to the inside (including my parents), but I knew that big heart was under the "scary" facade.

Shortly after our 3rd or 4th date we ran to Petsmart to get my dog some dog food. I was ready to check out, and was having trouble finding Jeremy. I looked over by the adoption area and he was teary eyed at the thought of a poor abused cat not being adopted. Wow! What a guy! This guy was too good to be true. He was an animal lover, was a huge family man, and was wonderful to his momma and granny! He was definitely a keeper.

It is interesting to look back and see how much we have both changed, but the change has definitely been for the best. I love the fact that we have grown together, learned together, and tackled obstacles together. Now we get to raise our beautiful little girl together.

I hope that we can be the role models Audrey deserves, and that she is able to learn the value of marriage and love from us. I want her to look back at her life, and say "I want to havewhat mom and dad have." When she asks me how she will know if "he" is the one, I will tell her to make sure she feels cherished, loved, respected, and to make sure "he" can make her laugh. I want her to look for a man like her daddy, with her grandpa rolled in. When she asks how you "really know", all I can tell her is to listen to her heart, because when you know, you know.

So, I met this guy.....

.....and he is the new # 1 guy in my life!!! (sorry Jeremy!) ;)

Kayden James Cooper arrived 9/10/10, and let me tell you, my nephew is going to be a heart beaker!!! He weighed in at 6 pounds and is 18 inches long. He has a head full of blond hair, & his momma's nose. He has his daddy's hands, and eyes. He is adorable!! With parents like his, I should not be surprised! ;)

I know how powerful a mother's love is, and I am pretty sure that this little man is going to benefit from TONS of it!! His momma is beaming with love and pride, and his daddy can't quit smiling. It is amazing to watch! ( I am SOOOO proud of them both!)

I am looking forward to having the best of both worlds. I get to be Audrey's mom and Kayden's aunt, (that sounds soo weird). What could be better? I get to spoil him rotten, spoil him a little more and send him home (unless its a sleepover night), and I get to raise my beautiful little girl 2 streets away. This momma's love is going to shower them both, as I already feel protective of him, since I am going to be his favorite Aunt and all.... (hehe)!! It is kind of crazy that you can become immediately attached and feel unparalleled love for a tiny little person the first time you meet them. I am already slightly obsessed with this little guy ;) I can't wait to see Audrey and Kayden interact, and grow up together!

It is amazing how God has blessed us all!! I am equally amazed how he has expanded my heart to hold an amount of love I never knew I could posses. I was pretty sure Audrey would always BE my heart, and she is (of course), but Mr. Kayden has a huge chunk of it too!!

The future for the Moreland family and the Cooper family is looking amazingly bright, and I am soooo excited to see what the future brings to us all!!!

So what.....

It sounds rather elementary, but those 2 words snapped me back to reality. Sounds ridiculous, right?
Let me rewind.......
I have been struggling ALOT lately, with the "traditional mom vs. career mom" decision and definition. I constantly beat myself up because I have to work for a living (gasp), and cannot stay home with our baby girl. I am surrounded by "traditional" moms, who either have the ability to stay home with their children, or have the luxury of being home to get their kids off the bus, or only work for "spending" money. I, however, do not have that luxury and was beginning to feel inadequate as a mother.
Recently, I was offered a very wonderful opportunity for a "huge" promotion, but it involves substantially more work. Luckily, that does not mean more time away from home, just cramming more into my day, and working from home after Audrey is in bed. I obsessed over this decision for days, feeling like a HORRIBLE mother, because I was actually was contemplating choosing work over my daughter. Balancing life, mommyhood and a career is not easy.
I sat at lunch with one of my dear friends, explaining the agonizing decision I was trying to make. She completely understood, and sympathized with me, because it was her duty as my BFF, but she looked at me like I had 4 heads. Then she looked at me, said 2 words, and rattled my world.
The conversation went something like this:
Me : " I feel like people think I am a horrible mom. I work 50 plus hours a week, not including drive time, and I am contemplating taking on more responsibilty. I am always home for bedtime, and make sure I am the first person she sees when she gets up, but how do I know if that's enough."
Her : " Sounds like you have most of your bases covered, and I know Jeremy always pitches in when needed. Does Audrey ever go without what she needs? I know for a fact every time she is sick or needs you, you stay home. Seems like you know what your priorities are and how to organize time to make sure you spend time with her."
Me : " I just feel like other people look at me like it's not enough"
Her : " So what??"
*Picture me with a very confused look on my face*
Epiphany!!!
Her : "You have always been an independent thinker, why do you care what other people think now?!"

Holy Crap!!! She's a genius!
Who was I becoming? I know I am a good mom, and wife. Why was I so confused??
I call it "mommy guilt." I would LOVE to spend every single minute with Audrey, but I do not have that luxury. I schedule my time well, and make sure each and everyone of her needs is met in a timely fashion. I am always home by 6:30 at the latest. (It is by far, my favorite time of the day) I feed her, we have playtime, I bathe her, read her a bedtime story and put her to bed. It's what we call "mommy time." That also helps dad get his "daddy time", so he can take a breather. I get her up every morning. We have play time, I feed her, get her dressed and we start our day together.
I can do this. I really think I can. I know some people don't get it, or think I am choosing the wrong path. In the end, I will provide a wonderful life for my daughter, and that is what matters. I know it will not be easy, I don't expect it to. The biggest fan I have, is my amazingly supportive husband, who I come home to every night. He is the lynch pin in this operation.

As long as my daughter and husband are happy and know they are loved and cherished, I will consider myself a good mom and wife. If the day comes, when either of them tell me or feel otherwise, I will be more than happy to remedy the situation.

As far as what other people think.... So what!?!

P.S. Her parting one liner is now my motto "Superwoman had no Kryptonite!!"

The definition of "Modern" woman

.....is there really a definition?? I think not.

I have been thinking about this alot lately, as I have been presented with a "huge" opportunity at work, and am currently debating the "mom vs. career" decision. I want my daughter to have a very strong woman role model in her life. I realize that "strong" has many definitions. When I say strong, I mean: strong in her faith, strong in her compassion, strong mentally, strong emotionally, and the ipitamy of woman, meaning strength in all you do. I want her to have the confidence to stand up for the innocent and weak, but at the same time, stand up for herself. I want her to be strong in her faith, and hopefully her faith will be unshakable. I want her to be confident in her studies, her knowledge and never doubt herself for a minute. I want her to have the strength to be herself no matter what anyone else says....... I want my daughter to change the world..... (Small expectations, huh??) Is there really a way to teach that..?? I have no idea. I just thank God, that she has several "strong women" in her life, and hopefully one day she will consider me one of them. My hope is that one day, all of these wonderful influences will make her a strong, beautiful, confident woman........
At this point, I have to decide if I can really be a "career mom" or if I need to let it go and be a "traditional mom". I am at a point in my life, where I cannot define either of those. I am honestly more confused now than I have been in such a long time...... Can you tell?????

The only thing I know without the shadow of a doubt, is that Audrey is the most important thing in my life, and all my decisions will be based on what is in her best interest. After all, a deal is a deal ..... (refer to my 1st blog)




Side note: I am also extremely Thankful for all the strong men in her life....

Mommy panic

STRESSSSS~~!!!!!
It is viciously storming outside, severe thunderstorm warnings are everywhere, and being the geniuses that we are, we decided to move Ms. Audrey into her own room tonight!

Granted, the decision was made earlier this week, when we noticed she was sleeping mostly through the night. Regardless, this momma is panicking!! I know she will be fine, and that it is better for everyone involved, but I cannot seem to contain the "momma panic". What if the gigantic tree outside her window, busts her window?, what if she rolls over into the bumper pads?, what if, what if, what if. I can't seem to make my brain stop playing the "what if" card. In all reality, outside of my CRAZY mind, I know she will be ok. She has been rolling over all by herself for almost a month and a half now; no need to worry about the bumper pads. The tree has been there the entire 2 and a half years we have been here.... all windows are still intact. She has been sleeping on her stomach for at least a month with no mishaps.

If I am this much of a mess just because she is sleeping on a different floor of the house, what the heck am I going to do when this kid goes to college??? Sheesh!!!!

P.S. I forgot to mention that we have video monitors, so I can see every move she makes..... Guess that makes me even more crazy for worrying!!!!!!!

Things to remember.....

1. 2am diaper blowouts suck
2. I don't buy into the "don't hold the baby too much you will spoil the baby", thing.
3. Huggies are much better than Pampers
4. Swaddling blankets are much better than receiving blankets.
5. The boppy and Bumbo are essentials
6. No need to buy a ton of toys, he/she is just as fascinated with his/her feet.
7. Don't buy hairbows until she has hair, (who knows when that will ever happen!?!).
8. Be prepared for "mommy" paranoia. Suddenly everything is a potential hazard to your baby.
9. Babies are not cheap
10. There are always ways to cut corners/costs.
11. Coupons are amazing
12. It is possible to function on zero sleep, you actually kind of get used to it.
13. Everyone has an opinion, but you don't have to listen to them.
14. Jeremy is wonderful with babies
15. Breastfeeding is best.
16. Just because it's expensive, doesn't necessarily mean it's the best thing for your baby.
17. The 1st smile and all those after make everything worth it.
18. I love being pregnant.
19. Baby fever NEVER goes away.
20. Being a Mommy is amazing!!! (It would be even better if we got paid for it!)

So, She's a little petite!

At Audrey's 4 month check up, she weighed in at 13 lbs, 25 inches long, and a head circumference of 40 centimeters. So, yes she's tiny! I hate that word. Everyone tells me she's tiny! I know she's tiny, but I prefer "petite". I have fretted over her size for a month now, but according to Dr. Revelette, she's growing perfectly. Actually, she is developmentally 6 to 8 weeks ahead of where she should be. She has been rolling over for quite a while now and he thinks she will be crawling soon, and may be walking by 8 or 9 months. He encouraged us to keep up with her activity, including toys, so she doesn't get bored! Genius!! :)
People look at me like I am crazy when I say she is bored, but he finally validated my point! Infants can get bored, score one for mom!!
I haven't quite decided on when to start her on solid food. The pediatrician recommended waiting until she is 5 months old, since she is still somewhat breastfed. The nutritional value of solids at this point isn't even close compared to breast milk or formula. I am just dying to try it to see the look on her face! I have always gone with the pediatrician's recommendations, so it is going to be hard to deviate from it. I did tell him I plan on making my own baby food, and he LOVED the idea!
I am amazed at the reactions I get when I tell people I am going to make my own baby food. Some people are wonderfully supportive, and other people look at me like I have 3 heads. I actually had a woman look at me and say, "You are just over compensating because you feel bad for working so much." Needless to say, I don't talk to her much. I plan on making my own baby food because I think it is what is best for my daughter. I want to know exactly what is going into her "tiny" body, and hopefully it will persuade her that fresh food is always best!

I have the best intentions, I just hope I can pull it off!!

Food for thought

As I sit here watching Audrey sleep, I can't help but think how utterly happy I am with my life right now! She is growing so fast, and each day brings new things. I am blessed in so many ways, and thankful for each one of them.
I have a beautiful, healthy, amazing daughter (although she is slightly spoiled).
I am married to a good man, a good husband, and a great father.
I have a supportive family.
We are both employed ( in this economy that is a huge plus)

What else is there? When it all boils down to the grand scheme of things, I have everything I ever wanted.

Life is good, and my heart is happy~

#2??

I have been thinking alot lately about #2... Yes, that's right, I have baby fever already! I LOVED being pregnant and would do it again in a heartbeat. If that little voice in my head was not screaming "BE RESPONSIBLE", I would go full steam ahead, but there are things to consider besides my recent obsession with babies.
We have talked about it, at length, and are going to wait at least a year, and reevaluate the situation. If I find myself in a position where I am able to work closer to home, we will evaluate before then. I will be 30 next year, and with our "trouble" and past history, I am not entirely convinced we are meant to "have" #2, but I am ok with that. Maybe it is our "history" that has prepared me for that reality, and I am fine with the struggle that will ensue once again. If it becomes too much of a struggle, we will start the adoption process. That is something we have already decided as well. I desperately want Audrey to have a immediate family that consists of a little brother or sister, and experience that unique bond. As the oldest of 4, I know how rewarding that bond is. She will have a cousin (Mr. Kayden sometime at the end of Sept.) 6 months younger than she is, and I am looking forward to watching them grow together. I can't wait. The next year is going to be AMAZING!!!

On a side note: It's nice to finally be at peace with "the struggle",as I have realized not to let the "struggle" define me. It does not make me less of a person, or a weaker person. It allows me to draw on my experiences, and I like to think "the struggle" gave me a unique perspective and will make me a better parent. I firmly believe I am meant to be a mom, and God has granted me that amazing privilege. If I am meant to be pregnant again, I will be. I have faith in that. If not, that's ok, because pregnant or not, I am someone's mom, and will be again, and hopefully we can come up with a better name than "#2". :)

Back to Reality.....

I can honestly say, this week sucks! Not only did I return to work Monday, I left my precious, precious little girl with strangers at (drum roll please) DAYCARE!
Granted, I am not the only person on the planet who has to use daycare, but that did not make leaving my little girl there any easier. As Jeremy says, "She will be fine, all they have to do is feed her and change her diaper." Intellectually, I understand that, but my heart was not getting the message. Not only did I feel like I was deserting my child, the guilt was ridiculous!! All I could think was " I am leaving my child with strangers, way to win the mother of the year award (sarcasm)." It is getting a little easier each day, but I still call and check on her daily. Ms. Debbie (lead "teacher") probably thinks I am a lunatic, but that's ok. Monday I called her 4 times, but I have reduced my calls to a meager 2 per day. So far, everything has gone really well!!

It is amazing how priorities change. 11 months ago, I would have worked myself into the ground to get another promotion, now I can honestly say, it doesn't matter in the slightest. I have an amazing, wonderful job.... being a mom. I never thought I could be a stay at home mom, because I was a "career woman". HA!! I would LOVE to stay at home and enjoy every day with Audrey. Alas, I did not win the lottery on my birthday, and someone has to pay for a car, college tuition, braces...etc. So needless to say, I drag my very non motivated butt to work daily now, which is getting easier, by the way. I do, however, watch the clock and count the minutes until I come home to my precious little girl.

I must remember to count my blessings, as I was fortunate enough to stay home with Audrey for 2 and a half months. Some are not as fortunate, and have to rely on day care for their child at 6 weeks old.

She's a Genius!

...Well, not really.
We had to take Audrey for her dreaded 2 month MD appointment for her shots today. She is 22 and a quarter inches long, and weighs 10 lbs 10 ounces. She measures 60th percentile in weight, 40th in length and 19th in head circumference. Basically she is a petite little girl. I am ok with that. Of course, I asked the pediatrician 100 questions since she is in low range in the percentile scale. He assures me she is growing as she should, and is perfectly healthy!
The good news....apparently she is an overachiever. After a thorough question and answer session, and examination, it appears our little girl is hitting all of her milestones early. YAY! Actually, she is hitting them well ahead of schedule accrding to the pediatrician. Boy, does hearing that make a momma PROUD! Hopefully, this will continue in the coming weeks, even though I will be returning to work. I am convinced we have a genius on our hands ;)

Already?

We are getting ready for another one of Audrey's firsts.... the dreaded 2 month immunization appointment. I think I am the one that is a mess. I worry about how she will react, and what the M.D. will say, envisioning him telling me I am not doing something right. I guess we shall see....

Smile!

At 3am last Monday night, I witnessed one of our daughter's firsts. She was having a fussy night (fairly unusual for her), and I was exhausted (not unusual). After trying everything I could think of to soothe her, I decided she may be hungry. Despite eating just one hour before, I tried to feed her again. Much to my suprise, she was hungry and ate for about 20 minutes. As I struggled to stay awake, and not get frustrated with her, I looked down to wipe her little face, and she smiled at me. It was not the usual "Hey mom, I have gas" smile, she looked directly at me and smiled. I was convinced I was so tired, I was delusional. I picked her up to burp her, and she smiled again. I knew this was no illusion. Our little girl hit a milestone, and it absolutely melted my heart. It made every second of that late night worth it, and once again forced me to count my blessings. ( I am convinced God does this on purpose, when I am at my wits end).

Now, I get smiles daily, and I am LOVING every minute of it!! Now, I am anxiously awaiting the laughter that goes with the smile.

Mother's Day (Part 2)

This Mother's Day I will be counting my blessings!!

Mother's Day

WOW! I can't believe this will be my first Mother's Day. What a tremendous blessing. I thank God everyday for our precious little girl, a.k.a. "our little miracle".
Do not get me wrong, I think all mothers are amazing human beings and everyone of them should be recognized everyday for everything they do, but I want to vent a little about all of those who are mothers in every sense of the word, without being called "mom."

It takes a special person to be a mom, I know that. It takes an even better person to open their homes to children that are not biologically theirs. Mom, in every sense of the word, is about being a selfless caregiver, and loving unconditionally. Sometimes "moms" don't get the title. For some reason this is irritating me today. I know so many wonderful women who take care of children that are not biologically theirs. These women are teachers, aunts, adoptive parents, or just a neighbor who knows a child in a bad situation and does everything in their power to make their lives better. These women are "moms" in every sense of the word.

My sister happens to be one of these wonderful women. Not only does she take care of herself, go to school, and maintain a household, she selflessly gives to her students, neice and nephew. Under her care these kids have transitioned into well behaved, well rounded children, who would have not otherwise known this amazing life her and her husband have created for them.

I want to encourage everyone out there to stop for a minute if you know any of these amazing women, and tell them "Happy Mother's Day". Most of the time they do not get the recognition they deserve, so let's change that today.

Now that my rant is over, I am going to relish Mother's Day with our little miracle.

Happy Mother's Day

She's how old already?

WOW!!! Audrey is one month old today! That is absolutely insane. It feels like she has been here forever, and like we brought her home yesterday. Crazy, right?? It has been a spectacular month, I will say that.
I think Jeremy and I have learned so much about each other and ourselves while we have started to see peeks of Audrey's personality. She is starting to show little bits of who she is and who she is becoming, and I cannot wait to discover it with her. So far, she doesn't "look" ovewhelmingly like either one of us, but has some traits of each of us. She has Jeremy's eyes (thank goodness), but is cursed with her momma's short legs. Temperment wise, she is as relaxed as her daddy! She sleeps like him too! A stick of dynamite could not wake either of them ;) On the other hand, when this little girl is hungry, and isn't fed promptly, she gets CRANKY. She gets that from her momma!
I hope that when the time comes, she is secure in who she is as a person, and has the confidence to express herself.

I am so excited for the next part of the parenting "journey". I just hope this little girl always knows how much she is loved and adored.
I can't wait to see what's in store for all us!

The Perfect Mother....

is a mythical creature, who lives beside the unicorn in fairy valley. June Cleaver and Mrs. Brady have to be characters made up by Hollywood to make us "normal" mothers feel like crap. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom, but it has good moments, and not so good moments. Some people make it look easy, and some days it is, but there are days, when you think you are going to go nuts or get so frustrated you want to sit down and cry.


Let me divulge.....
Breastfeeding is HARD. It is extremely rewarding most days, and it is the perfect reason to spend time alone with Ms. Audrey. Other days, when she wants to eat every hour and a half, and I have so much to do, or am exhausted, it is frustrating. At night when she wants to eat every hour and a half, and eats for 20 minutes, it makes you second guess the breast feeding decision. Then there are times when you feel like you are tethered to the house. When you get the diaper bag and baby ready to go out the door, it is time to feed again. I just have to remind myself some days that I am doing what is best for my daughter, and that usually takes the frustration out of the situation. (Note: I said usually) It is time consuming, frustrating, rewarding and an amazing bonding experience... doesn't make much sense does it?? Maybe that's why it is so aggravating some days. I can definitely understand why some people just give up, or decide to bottle feed. We introduced the bottle this week, and Audrey did phenomenal! Now comes the decision to continue to breastfeed and only use the bottle occassionally, or pump and strictly bottle feed.... This is one of the few topics Jeremy actually has an opinion about. I usually get "Whatever you think is best" as an answer, (which is frustrating sometimes), but not this time. He thinks I should breastfeed for 6 months, thinking it is what is best for our daughter. I think we will be compromising on this one.

I guess the point of this post is to let everyone who is a new mom know that it is ok to get frustrated, overwhelmed, and doubt your decision making.(As well as to remind myself) I have decided it is just part of the process that makes you a mom, in more than just the word. Lord knows how much we wanted this little miracle, and I felt (and still feel) sooo guilty for being frustrated, aggravated and overwhelmed. I decided this week that it is just part of the process... maybe it is supposed to teach me a lesson, because I know I will never be a "perfect mom" but maybe this process will make me a better mom.

Audrey's Amazing Appearance.

She's here! Our beautiful, amazing, perfect, adorable little girl is here. I guess I should start from the beginning......

Monday, March 22nd, I woke up and drug my tired butt to work. I felt a little funny all day, but when you are pregnant, that is nothing new. I told my boss I was going home. Sitting in the car on Nicholasville Rd. I felt a sharp pain and thought "How strange." By the time I got home, I knew it was definitely contractions. I waited a bit to see how far apart they were, and at 1hr 10 min apart, I was no where near panicked. I called Jeremy, let him know and told him not to come home, because I could contract for a while at this rate, no hurry. Well, 2 hours later I was contracting every 10 minutes, needless to say Jeremy made it home in 15 minutes (It is usually a 30 minute drive). We decided not to call the MD because, once again I thought, "this could last a while".
He took a shower, and I started feeling worse. After every contraction I was vomiting profusely. I lost track of time, and finally asked Jeremy how far apart the contractions were, and said 3 minutes. Off we went to the hospital, things were just happening too fast. We checked in about 8pm

We checked in, got "comfortable", the nurse came in and told me I was severely dehydrated. 3 bags of fluid, and 6 centimeters later, it was 6am. I did not want an epidural, but the doctor felt I didn't have a choice. So they crammed the needle in my back, and I do have to say I was sooo relieved. My sister was there by 7am, and I crashed and took a nap for a little bit. I was awakened by the nurse making me wear an oxygen mask because the baby's heartbeat was starting to become irregular. Panic started setting in. By noon the nurse told me I was 7 centimeters. Then everything happened extremely fast. We planned on calling family only when I was at the pushing stage. Jeremy was desperately making calls by 12:30. The MD came in and checked things out. Then he went back to the office, told the nurse to call him when I was "ready" and he was back by 1pm. Our little miracle entered the world at 1:31pm March 23rd. She weighed 6lbs, 9 ounces and was 19 inches long.

Then came the scariest moment of my life....she wasn't crying. The doctor was cleaning out her airways, due to meconium aspiration. (Terrifying) They immediately handed her over to nurses and a pediatrician. Jeremy didn't get the opportunity to cut the umbilical cord. 5 minutes past with absolutely no news, not even a whisper, so I started FREAKING out. Jeremy went to the nursing area, to see her and make sure she was ok. He was reluctant to leave me at the time, but he said judging from the look on my face he didn't have a choice. Again, it seemed like an eternity passed, but he came back and said she was ok. I still had my doubts, and was crying profusely. The MD told me to relax everything would be fine, but at the time, his word meant less than crap to me, I wanted my baby. The nurse brought her in, and let me hold her for 2 minutes, and she actually timed it, literally 2 minutes. Then they took my baby away again. Again, the panic set in. They let Jeremy walked her to the nursery, and that gave me some peace of mind. He kept telling me not to panic, she would be fine. I know the risk of meconium aspiration, and was terrified. I must have asked every nurse that came in how her respiration was, if she was stable, and 200 more questions. I think they were annoyed with me, but to their credit, each one of them acted extremely professional while they evading my questions. We moved rooms, got settled in, filled out 400 forms and answered just as many questions from a new team of doctors and nurses. The hardest part at this point was trying to stay calm, so no one else panicked. Jeremy and I thought that was for the best that no one knew the risks, unless it was absolutely necessary. I couldn't even think about sending her to NICU. Saying I prayed hard, would be a understatement. I am prettty sure God was tiredof hearing me. ;)

I know I asked Jeremy to walk to the nursery and check on her at least 3 times. Her respiration was not stable. Again, the freaking out happened.

Finally, at 6pm that night, they brought our baby girl to me. We got to spend some alone time with her, for a little bit, and I cried like a baby. I felt like I could actually breathe for the first time all day. She was as close to perfect as I could ever expect (but I am kind of biased).

She made an eventful appearance, but I should not have expected any less. She is our little miracle baby. Again, He answered my prayers.

Jeremy has been just as wonderful as I expected him to be, in some ways better. They say you fall in love all over again with your husband, when you have a baby, and I say that is an understatement. It is undescribable to see the man you decided to spend the rest of your life with, holding a little tiny 6lb baby and know he would move heaven and earth for her, literally. He changed her 1st diaper, which he assures me is worse than any diaper that has occur ed since then. He gets up randomly during the night when he can't hear her breathing, just to make sure she is ok. He talks to her like she understands every word he says. He can't stand to see or hear her cry. He cried when he left the hospital to come home for the night to get some sleep, because he couldn't stand to be away from her that long. How can you not love a man like that? People have told me they are "surprised at how well Jeremy does with the baby", my response "I'm not. I knew he would be great." It honestly irritates me when people express doubt in him, but I think I cover well. I know he has tattoos and piercings, and sometimes he can look a little "scary", but he has a heart of pure gold. He is better than great with her, he is fantastic. He is her daddy!!
He manages to do all this for our daughter, and asks me at least 3 or 4 times a day if I am ok. Of course I am ok, we have a fabulous family. He reminds me that the laundry can wait, I should be sleeping. He reminds me to "do what the doctor told you do", who cares if there are dishes in the sink. Needless to say, I am more and more thankful everyday that I said "yes" to this wonderful man.

I am going to enjoy this blog, as it lets me put my thoughts somewhere other than in my own head. It is very therapeutic, but it is also a place to "brag" about our perfect little family, and reflect about Audrey's Amazing Appearance!!

Anxiously Awaiting Audrey

At 39 weeks and 3 days, you could say I am getting impatient. We can't wait to meet our baby girl, but I guess a few more days won't kill us. Everyone asks if I am miserable, but luckily I feel fine, honestly, probably a little too good. When I tell people I am impatient, most just grin and shake their head. I don't think they really understand. While 9 months feels like forever, we have been waiting on this little miracle for 3 and a half years.

It seems like just yesterday we were dealing with ovulation tests, doctor appointments, negative pregnancy tests, miscarriage, tears, frustration, and all the baggage that comes with "trying", to no avail. In December 2009, we decided that maybe, just maybe, we weren't meant to be "biological" parents, and decided we were going to open our home to adoption. The day we made that decision, I went on a small shopping spree at Amazon.com. I ordered and read everything I could get my hands on about adoption. From "How-to" books, to how to handle adoption emotionally, to Adoption for dummies, I read them all. We even started our own little adoption fund, at the end of January to get the process started ASAP. Honestly, I think it was the most relaxed couple of months we had experienced in a LONG time. We even planned a long weekend at the lake with friends. Until that point we were putting money in our "baby fund" like crazy people, but came to the realization that we needed a break. We were going to relax and have some fun. We planned, and packed and took a few extra days off work just to spend some time together. It was nice. July 24th, I woke up, finished packing, ran some errands, and found myself in dire need of a nap. I woke up, looked at the clock, and realized I needed to move quick, it was almost time to go. I have no idea why, or what hit me to make think of it, but I thought "Crap, I am a day late". Not that it was a unusual occurrence by any means, but it was a little odd. I immediately thought of the one pregnancy test left buried in the very bottom of the drawer and thought, "Nah, I'm sure its gonna be negative, I will just wait a few days." Jeremy came home, we packed up the dogs, and after a long discussion he convinced me to take the test, just so I wouldn't be "worried" about it the whole time we were gone. It took 5 seconds for two lines to appear, and the panic to set in. I never knew you could be excited, scared, terrified, and shocked at the same time. Immediately, the tears the tears started. I really didn't think I could handle another miscarriage, and with our history, I felt it was inevitable. We decided to head on to the lake, and try to enjoy ourselves for a few days, and honestly the sleep was well needed at that point.

I called and made the dreaded doctor's appointment again. I had a eerie deja-vu feeling, and was not particularly happy about it. The doctor wanted me to wait a little longer before he was me, because of my "history". He didn't want me to come in until I was close to 10 weeks. That was a lifetime away. Jeremy did his best to keep me entertained, (those of you who know him, can only imagine what he came up with) and we just took things a day at a time. He noticed that things were different this time, before I did. I didn't have alot of pregnancy symptoms, other than being stuck in nausea purgatory, where you can't throw up, but prayed you could just so you would feel better. I was convinced that since I didn't have many symptoms, we would be getting bad news at the ol' doctor's office. Finally, D-day rolled around, as Jeremy called it. We both took the day off work, just in case we received bad news at the doctor's office, and made the dreaded trip to Central Baptist. We got to the office, and luckily only waited 5 minutes. They called my name, and in we went. I thought I was going to pass out. I had prepared myself for bad news, but prayed nightly we would get good news, and hoped it would work this time. The nurse, whom I adore, came in checked my vitals and asked me if I was ready for the doctor. I couldn't even muster up words, I just shook my head. We may as well get it over with. The doctor came in, asked his 200 questions, and it was time. The dreaded ultrasound. I laid on the table and Jeremy held my hand. I kept looking at the doctor's face instead of the ultrasound screen, hoping to be distracted. He looked at me and said the most amazing words " Look at this flicker, the heartbeat is strong" I had no idea, I was holding my breath, until I let it out in a giant "whoosh", and leaned back. The doctor patted my leg and said "It's ok, you can breath now." I looked over at Jeremy, who was in fact crying and just beginning to breathe, himself. Honestly, my first thought, was "Holy crap this may actually work out."

Of course we were both ecstatic, cautious, but oh so excited. We did wait a few more days, and before telling people, but Jeremy wanted to shout it from the roof tops, so it didn't take long for the word to spread. It was kind of awkward to tell people we weren't finding out the baby's sex, some took it better than others. I told God if he blessed us with a baby, I would dedicate my life to making sure he/she was well taken care of, and he/she would be my number one priority. No more staying late at work, no more worrying about staying ahead of the competition, and no more ridiculous career focus. Well, he did, so I had to hold up my end of the bargain, and it did not matter to me if it was a girl or boy, a "deal is a deal". I fought many battles defending my decision, but I caved into the wished of my husband. He was dying to know and I didn't feel like I had the right to keep him from knowing. We decided to find out, and tell everyone at Christmas. I knew Jeremy had his heart set on a boy, but I knew better. I told him numerous times, I thought it was girl. That wonderful little picture popped up on the ultrasound screen, and the technician said "You are going to have a beautiful baby girl." Of course, I cried, and starred at screen, absolutely amazed. Then I realized Jeremy was sitting beside me, turned and looked at him, almost expecting some sort of disappointment, but he looked at me and said "Wow, we are having a little girl! A baby girl, WOW!", and of course he cried. As we were leaving the office he looked over at me, dead serious, and said "We need more locks on the door and she's not dating until she's 25" I laughed all the way to the car. She already has him wrapped around her finger.

It took a little time to come up with a name, but we decided on Audrey Leigh Moreland. Audrey was the only name we liked, that wasn't too cutesy or trendy. Jeremy really wanted to use part of his grandmother's name (whom he absolutely adores), so Leigh it was. He wants her to have a strong sense of family, so do I, but I know she will have one. She doesn't have much of a choice, its a big family :)

Not much has happened between the end of October and now, except telling the grandparents, aunts and uncles that they should all plan for a baby girl. It was a wonderful Christmas gift. I do have to say, Jennifer had the most "animated" reaction. Overall, it has been a wonderful experience.

I do have to say that I feel terrible for all the women who have difficult pregnancies, I couldn't imagine. Other than the occassional bout with exhaustion, and a ridiculous sense of smell, I feel absolutely wonderful! I can only hope I am this lucky "next time". ( Yes, I realize how lucky I am ;) )

Our little girl is showing no signs of being ready to join us, but she is due in 5 more days, so hopefully she will decide to make her grand appearance soon. We decided we want to raise a free thinking, independent little girl. While I was worried about how to do that the right way at first, I am not worried anymore. She is already making her own decisions, and doing what she wants....

We are Anxiously Awaiting Audrey.....